Afraid

Some days I am just plain afraid.  I’m not afraid of the disease.  I’m afraid of the treatments. Not all of the treatments, just some of the treatments.  Right now, just the one I am supposed to call the pharmacy about.

My homework on the interferon is done and I am awaiting its preapproval by the insurance company.  If the insurance company approves it, my cost is only a $30 co-pay.  This was a huge relief last week, and I was very excited that, even though it is a “specialty” medication, it would be covered (if approved).

If approved…I should call and find out if it has been.  But, I don’t want to.  The truth is that I don’t want to take it.  I was reading about diets and nutrition again.  The thing is, I have tried all kinds of natural ways, –diet, nutrition, supplements– to be rid of this disease, or at least to improve it, and nothing has worked.  I was reading about the paleo diet this weekend, when I stumbled onto it while looking for a cookbook on Amazon.

After browsing through a few websites and reading up on the autoimmune protocol, and then realizing that it didn’t actually seem to make anyone better (they still had the disease, though they might have been a little less tired), I decided to bag it.  I ordered The Back in the Day Bakery Cookbook instead. That and a pretty little tea kettle, which my daughter promised me for a Mother’s Day present back in May.

This is a pattern with me when I get scared.  I freak out about being sick, not from my eyes. but because of my eyes and the medications they want me to take.  The nasty side effects of those medications.  I don’t want to be sick. I also don’t want cancer or some other awful disease that could kill me.  I want to live well.

When I feel like this, I think about what I am doing wrong, what I could do better, how much more healthily I could live if I just tweaked this or that.  I want it all to be better, and I’ll try anything to make it that way.  Only…it has never worked.

Every few years I have done this.  I’ve taken a sabbatical from treatment to try some crazy, or hopeful idea…theory.  Usually it involves diet, exercise and supplements.

Can I say it again?  It has never worked.  It has on occasion caused a lot more damage than I would have had if I had continued treatment.

It doesn’t seem to matter though, the fact that it has never worked, because I want it to work.  And…so I keep looking and hoping for something that is safe.  Something that can fix my eyes without making me feel like I have the flu or something that doesn’t have the possibility of…well, of being really bad.  I hate medicines.

I just called the pharmacy.  The prescription has been called in by my doctor, but has not been approved by my insurance company.  Not yet anyway.

Isn’t it crazy?  I am relieved.  Relieved that I don’t have to take it. Not yet.

 

 

 

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